Lack of fur

Getting a jump on New Years

2011-12-02T10:51:00.000-08:00

My resolution for this new year is to maintain better contact with my friends who I see all-too-seldom. Since I'm spending between 3 an 6 hours driving to/from school/work alone every week and sometimes get sleepy in the car, I'm going to start calling you folk and talking to you, particularly when it falls under my "nights and weekends" portion of my phone plan. And I'm starting now, since New Year's Day is still a month away.

Headlines

2010-12-06T20:06:00.001-08:00

It snowed here yesterday. 1/2 inch of accumulation. School was canceled today because of it.

I have a new bed frame. My queen sized luxury mattress and box springs no longer need to rest ingloriously upon the floor. It is made from black walnut and has 4 drawers. (The bed frame, not the floor)

My puppy is a year old

In two days, I will have been working at the same job, living in roughly the same place, for 2 continuous years.

In October, Olivia and I had been dating a year. Now it is more than that. Quick calculation informs me that it is currently something like 14 months.

My camera has been sent to the Best Buy Geek Squad to fix a (hopefully) minor problem with the viewfinder. I have a protection plan, so theoretically it won't cost me anything.

I miss my friends, and wish them the Merriest of Christmases, the Happiest of CKHannakahs, and the Most Joyous of Festivuses in the coming month.

Now where's my dad-gum figgy pudding?

SCUBA 2.0

2010-08-28T18:50:00.001-07:00

Well, this weekend, I upgraded my SCUBA certification. I am now a PADI Advanced Open Water Diver. I am certified to dive up to 130' deep (I've been 110 as of yesterday) and I can theoretically navigate in low visibility water armed only with a compass and the knowledge that 27 of my kicks is approximately equal to 100 feet of travel. It also turns out that doing 5 dives in one day is extremely tiring. Also, if I have not had time to brag to you, I just purchased a pair of Powerisers, and they are believed to be arriving on August 31st. Pictures, I'm sure, will follow, and perhaps even broken bones (although hopefully not..). There have been slip n' slides (homemade) and trips to North Carolina (camping on the beach was involved) in the past month, none of which were written about until this time, and I hope you, faithful reader, were not off-put by my lack of correspondence. Until next time, hang in there.

Tanning salon

2010-06-15T20:39:00.000-07:00

Today, I spent nearly an hour in what I choose to describe as "a tanning salon catering exclusively to acrobatic contortionists". I spent the time between 7:30am and 8:30am, indoors, wearing gloves, sunglasses, balanced on a very precariously balanced ladder, in a narrow space, sweating profusely. In actuality, what I was doing was changing the

14

four foot long fluorescent light bulbs on one of my exhibits, when the lights just happen to be situated in a 10 foot deep pit, where the only access is by a ladder that is 5 feet tall, lays on the bottom, and is only reachable by a grappling hook that I jury-rigged with rebar, a carabeaner, and some climbing rope. It was actually kind of fun in that "yeah, it's annoying, but this place is kinda cool" sort of way.

We also caught two sharks today. We were only going to catch one, but we got the wrong one first, and had to try again. It was a long day, but at the end I got to go see Avenue Q with Olivia, Kevin, and Christy. The show is well worth going to. It's hilarious, and I'll probably be humming "Schadenfreude" well into Thursday.

Anyway, goodnight from Tennessee. I'll probably be seeing some of you soon at Father's Day in Pennsylvania.

Home again, home again

2010-06-12T07:43:00.001-07:00

Jiggity jig.

I'm back in Tennessee. Pictures to follow once I get a card reader to replace the card reader that I got to replace the USB cord that came with my camera that I lost at around this time last year. Go me.

Wildfire

2010-06-04T08:43:00.001-07:00

I, like the dentist caught in an avalanche of dentures, and in Massachusetts. I arrived yesterday shortly after noon, and am spending the majority of this week imposing on the goodwill of college friends while we all attend Spring Wildfire 2010. Last year, this is where I learned to breathe fire and a few new contact staff tricks. The goal this year is to learn some poi tricks and some double staff moves, also not to drown due to the predicted constant rain that will joining us from Friday until Sunday. Pictures will surely follow after I get back to Tennessee.

Pictures that make me laugh

2010-03-23T20:03:00.001-07:00

See if you can spot the thing that made me laugh in this one.

Miranda brought her puppy Mari to come play with Puck. Mari will be staying with us next week while Miranda and Josh attend a wedding in Wisconsin, so we thought it best that the puppies know each other before being forced to spend a week in close proximity. They got along like a house on fire. I think this picture makes it look like Puck is flying.

Circus and fencing with sharks

2010-03-04T14:26:00.000-08:00

This Tuesday at work, I got to fence with sharks. Basically, I was handed a 3 foot long piece of 1.5" PVC pipe with some electric tape wrapped around it, and told "Don't let the sharks eat Jeff". Now, these are 8 foot long, 300-400lb Sand Tiger Sharks. They have considerably more mass and much more impressive dentition than your average Ivy League fencer, on the other hand, they are less likely to bite you than your typical saberist. Well, to cut the story short, Jeff is still alive, and more-or-less a whole man (the missing parts aren't my fault).

The next day I got to go to the Ringling Brothers & Barnum & Baily Circus in Knoxville. Olivia surprised me a couple days before and informed me that we would be attending, so despite an oncoming illness, I went and had a lot of fun. It was full of Cuban acrobats, Asian elephants, miniature ponies, some trained house cats, 6 lionesses, and an exuberant golden retriever. There may be pictures to follow. Mine aren't that great, but Olivia had her zoom lens and was able to get some better ones than I was.

Lord, what fools these mortals be!

2010-01-20T20:14:00.000-08:00

Well, I've done it again. Not learning my lesson from the incident in Miami, I went and got another dog. This one is a border collie/blue heeler mutt who was picked up free from a run down trailer in Union County, Tennessee. On the other hand, I do live in a bigger house, with an actual yard, and a job that allows me to EARN money rather than slowing the rate at which I lose it. After nearly a day and a half of trying names on for size, he has been harnessed with the moniker "Puck". (He was nearly stuck with Othello, because he's black, but the desire to name him after a troublemaker in a comedy rather than the main character of a tragedy won out.) Here, for your viewing pleasure, is my friend Puck

String is fun.
Playing is hard work

In other news, the Knoxville News Sentinel (newspaper in Knoxville...go figure) ran a segment about our aquarium. To do this, they came and followed the late night aquarist around for 3 hours, making it nearly impossible to do any work and asking lots of questions. How do I know what they did? I was that aquarist. Here is the 5 minute video supplement that was also run with the print version.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XgvQA48tiqI

That ought to satisfy my parents for my goings on for the past few days. Have a good weekend Mom and Dad, you'll probably have to watch that video at the library or school.

How I spent my New Year's Eve

2010-01-11T00:06:00.000-08:00

In a fit of artistic...genius? genocide? Olivia and I drew pictures for the other to color. Here are the results. I'll leave you to guess which was drawn by whom.

Orly?

2009-12-24T13:32:00.001-08:00

Merry Christmas and Happy Jewsmas to all of you out there.

One year and disjointed other happenings.

2009-12-11T22:19:00.000-08:00

I've been here one year as of Tuesday, I've been working at the same place as of Thursday. That's the longest time I've been anywhere since I graduated (longer if you count moving betwixt dorm rooms/buildings as "not the same place"). I start getting paid more next week (good thing it's the start of a new pay period) and I couldn't be happier about that. Hurray for $5000 raise! I'm trying to adopt a dog, specifically a border collie, from an animal shelter around here but I haven't heard back from the adoption agency yet, I'm going to play D&D tomorrow... It's like I've established a routine or something. I didn't win anything at the Christmas party this year (same as last year), I spent about 4 hours underwater this week, and my car is slowly (and sometimes not so) falling apart. I learned the scale for bagpipe last week and will hopefully be starting lessons this week. It snowed ~1.5 inches last Saturday and has been alternately warm and freezing this week.

That's all I can think of right now for this episode of "What has been happening with Justin's life". Well, all that I can think of that's fit to share on the internet anyway...

Sometimes you seize the day...

2009-11-30T20:57:00.000-08:00

Other times the day seizes you.

Picture this:
There is a large man with a beer gut, a total of three teeth and 11 toes. He stands about 6'6" and weighs a meager 375lbs and his name is Leroy. Leroy has been in prison for the past 10 years and he's startin' to get REEEEEAAAAAL lonely and he thinks you've got a purdy mouth.

Actually, let me take that back. That analogy would imply that I had one big problem, which is patently untrue. Today was more along the lines of this:

You're Joe Pesci trying to break into the McAllister's house while they are on Christmas vacation, but this little twerp has been plunking away at you with his BB gun all evening, and you'd wring the little bastard's neck if you could just get ahold of him, but unfortunately he's turned the entire sidewalk to ice which results in you losing your footing and landing squarely on your ass. Once you finally regain your feet and trap the little twerp in his tree house, as you climb up to administer the coups dé grace, just as you grab the top rung, you realize that it's been cut 3/4 of the way thru and you plummet 10 feet back to the earth. That's what kind of day it's been. Lots of little Kevin McAllister events that add up to one gigantic Leroy of a day.

Birthday

2009-11-16T17:49:00.000-08:00

I had a birthday, ymmmmhmmm. There was dinner, a circus, coworkers and friends, and Olivia. It was a pretty good time all in all. However, it's become strange to me; I've had my 26th birthday in Tennessee, 25th in Hawaii, 24th in Florida, 23rd in Pennsylvania, 22nd, 21st, 20th, and 19th in New York, and all the preceding ones in West Virginia. I've become accustomed to moving so frequently that nowhere really feels like "home" any more. I think I've mentioned this to some of you faithful readers before, and it still distresses me. I've lived in Tennessee for nearly a year (Dec. 8th it will be) and I'm still not convinced it's home. There's a line in Garden State:

"It's like you feel homesick for a place that doesn't even exist. Maybe it's like this rite of passage, you know. You won't ever have this feeling again until you create a new idea of home for yourself, you know, for your kids, for the family you start, it's like a cycle or something. I don't know, but I miss the idea of it, you know."

I'm not sure if that's exactly how I feel, but it's pretty close. I'm proud to say that I have friends all over the country, friends that I could count on, but where do I get to stop and have a home again?

More of the same

2009-11-08T14:53:00.000-08:00

Pictures of what I've been doing, and nonsense like that.

This Friday we had an aquarist bonfire at our house. Kevin tried to light a giant pile of freshly-cut grass from the yard in order to start said fire, but only ended up generating a lot of smoke and an unpleasant odor. After the addition of nearly half a gallon of lighter fluid, the grass was reluctantly forced to a sullen smolder, but the wood caught fire. Chili was eaten, hot cider and cold beer were drank, and a commotion was raised. Just a small commotion, probably not much more than a toddler, but raised nonetheless.

The next day Olivia and I went to Cade's Cove so that she could get pictures with a gigantic "view camera" that Olde Timey contraption you see in so many Back to the Future scenes. It was rather chilly early in the morning, with frost and all that nonsense, but by late afternoon I was able to fall asleep in a field in shorts and a tshirt while she lugged around that giant contraption on a tripod.

I had a fried apple pie, some jalepeño and peppermint flavored fudge (actually really good), and a pretty good time.

This was just a picture I took while we were out that I liked.

I kicked a puppy

2009-10-24T19:31:00.000-07:00

I went running yesterday morning, and on my 3 mile loop, two ladies were walking their dogs. One of these dogs, a small-ish (20-30lb) terrier-looking fellow, decided I was hostile and threatening in my activities, and so proceeded to chase me down the road. He got about 3 feet from me, barking, growling, and generally acting threatening, so I turned around and kicked him in the teeth without stopping. Needless to say, his mistress was less than pleased with me and proceeded to yell such admonishments as "He wann't gonna hurt you none!" and "If I thought he was gon' bite you, I wouldna let him go!"

Regardless of these well researched facts, I felt well justified in defending the integrity of my calf from this excessively aggressive little animal.

Things of no importance to anyone else.

2009-10-16T20:54:00.001-07:00

Today was a good day. I mean, it was on par with saving a bus load of children from careening off a cliff at high speeds using nothing but rocket-propelled roller skates, a pneumatic grappling hook, and sheer manly courage. It was that good. I made pizza. A very thick, double deck pizza. There were too many toppings, and they simply could not be allowed to go to waste, so after assessing the situation, I decided that another layer of peppers, sausage, onion, mushroom, and pineapple could be added. When looking at that, it was determined that they would fall off unless they were held in place by another layer of cheese, so that simply had to be put on as well.

After the pizza there were cookies. So many cookies I cannot express. Chocolate cookies with mint chips and walnuts, and chocolate chip cookies with walnuts, and some with a little bit of both swirled in. I ended up eating so much that I had to be dragged across the floor, out of the kitchen, and then slowly work my way up onto the couch. There may or may not have been a brief food coma.

And I got to do all this with this strange, warped, smart, very cute girl that likes to be around me. She was even the one who dragged my fat ass out of the kitchen to the couch. By the way, if you're curious and I haven't already told you, her name is Olivia.

County fair: Lancashire, England 1987

2009-10-04T19:16:00.000-07:00

Raucous children ran about underfoot, and the smell of fried foods floated heavily on the air. The jeering taunts of the clown at the dunk tank cut through the noise and the smells like a siren: a wheedling, irritating, obnoxious siren. A sign painted in garish turquoise and magenta hung next to the tank, with the words "Dunk him and WIN!" emblazoned boldly across it in large print.
"Come on up, slugger! Have a go!"
"Hey stretch, if your ears get any bigger, you're going to blow away!"
"Muscleman! Hey, Muscleman! show that pretty lady what you're made of!"
One by one, the marks on the midway stepped up to hurl that tiny white sphere at the even tinier target of red and white in hopes of sending the abrasive fellow into the ice cold water that waited below his precarious perch.
A slender young man with barely a wisp of a beard stepped up to the table and handed the man behind the sign a wrinkled and damp one pound note, and received three small balls in return.

"Ooooh! Look out ladies and gentlemen, we got Goliath in the house this evening!"
Without responding, the young lad rolled the ball back and forth in his hand for a second, and then, without a warning or windup, he whipped it toward the far end of the range, where it rang soundly as it smacked into the minuscule target, snapping it back and sending the clown plunging into the chilled tank.
After the splashing and applause stopped, the clown climbed back out of the tank, reset the mechanism, and climbed back onto his perch.
"Lucky shot! Lucky shot! I hear lightning never strikes twice in the same spot. Let's see what you've got there, Zeus!"
Whiz! Clang! Sploosh!
The clown went swimming a second time as more cheering and laughter erupted from the onlookers.

The mechanism was reset, the ball thrown again, and for a third time, the icy water doused the red wig perched atop that heavily made-up face as the ringing sound of leather on metal echoed across the field.
The man behind the table leaned toward the rack of prizes and began to pull one of the smallest stuffed animals from the bottom shelf, but the boy shook his head, reached into his pocket, and pulled out another badly beaten one pound note and handed it to the sweaty faced vendor. He took the three balls, and one by one, used them to send the now soaked clown plunging into the water again, and again, and again.

Again, he shook his head after being offered his choice of prizes off the middle shelf, handed in another pound, accepted the three balls in return, and thrice more sent them hurtling accurately toward the target eliciting three more angry splashes from the man on the mechanism, who now had thick white make up and bright red lipstick running down his face in rainbow-hued rivulets.

Again the choice of prizes was declined, despite the offer of those elusive treasures housed on the top shelf, seldom liberated by any hand.

Again, the exchange of money for three more white spheres, and again they flashed, straight and true to their target. Silence had fallen over the gathered spectators by this point, the clown had stopped his heckling and was struggling simply to stay afloat and breathe, while the man behind the table watched with a mixture of awe and anger. After the fifth encore performance, the ire of the man behind the counter was clearly roused, and he refused to sell the young man any more missiles. He simply waved his hand toward his wares and mumbled "Whatever you want..."
The slender young man looked for a second, and carefully pointed at the old balding man's beautiful young daughter. "Her." was all anyone heard him say. The old man didn't even lift a hand to stop her as she walked toward her champion, took hold of his hand, walked past her father, past the sodden clown, past the stunned and silend onlookers, and out of the fairgrounds. They were never seen again.

What has Justin been up to?

2009-10-02T14:08:00.000-07:00

Well, I'm glad you asked. Even if you didn't, the fact that you're reading this indicates that you're curious anyway. I started drawing again...kind of. At least, I've done one drawing, the first one in a very long time.

It's called "Poi at rest" if you like those boring names that describe what is in the picture. If, like me, you find those names pedestrian and prosaic, it's called "Excuse me, but your goat is in my petunias". It was drawn in honor of the Fall Wildfire going on this weekend that I am currently missing.

Also, I've been doing some hiking, some of it with a young lady of questionable taste (she's going hiking in the woods with me after all), and recently we went up the Ramsay Cascade trail, a 4 mile trip that starts out as an easy jaunt up a mild incline, and then after a mile and a half, turns into a vertical death march up a narrow trail with boulders and roots everywhere.

(Headed up the trail)

(View of the stream below the falls)

We managed to make it up in 90 minutes, eat lunch at the top of the falls, and then it proceeded to rain. Steadily.

(View from the bottom of the falls)

The trip back down was much wetter and considerably faster, but there was a certain amount of intentional puddle splashing, tree shaking (I got hit in the head with a branch), and mud.

(View in the rain from a bridge over the stream)

In addition, since it is now October, and Halloween is rapidly approaching, I went all Jack(Skellington) O' Lantern-y.

(My pumpkin)

And to finish it off, here is a view across the valley from my back porch at the new house.

(A little dark, but the colors are better)

These pictures brought to you courtesy of the new SD card reader I bought to replace the USB cable for my camera that I lost. If you Boston guys happen to have noticed a Canon USB cable, it might be mine, it's been missing since Spring Wildfire.

Dammit...

2009-09-13T20:25:00.000-07:00

Go ahead. Laugh at me. I'll still deny that I have a type, but lately I seem to have found myself going on several dates with a competitive tall blond girl.

I hate you all.

New News

2009-09-04T22:07:00.000-07:00

Well, we moved into our house last weekend, and I would have said so earlier, but we were without internet for a WHOLE WEEK! (I know, crazy, right?) So for those of you who care, my new address is

1026 W. Union Valley Rd
Seymour, TN
37865

So that wonderful. No tiny, cramped apartment. I also have a bed now too.

On the other hand, my grandfather died two days ago. I feel bad because I missed the last two Thanksgivings and Father's Days which were always a time when my family would get together and he would always be there. I don't think I'll be going to his funeral because that's not how I want to remember my Pappy. I remember waking up early in the morning and going out to the kennel to help him feed his dogs, or him putting me on the pony, Magic, and giving me a ride (even tho I'd been riding my own for quite some time, this was a new horse, so it was wonderful). He'd let me play with all the new puppies from every litter his dogs had, and even kept my favorite dog to use as a breeder so that I could always play with him whenever I'd visit. He was a tall man (if not quite so tall as I) and even after 90 years you could still see that he'd been a farmer. That is how I want to remember him. That was Pappy.

So that sucks.

Disuse

2009-08-12T19:46:00.000-07:00

We've gotten bad. Not a single one of us has posted anything new in a bit, and I'm sadly out of touch with everyone else. Things here are getting on. My roommate (kind of) bought a house, and so since his "Plan A" fell thru, as Plan A's tend to do, Plan B is that we move, and I pay him rent which he puts toward his mortgage. My theory is that 'tis better to help someone you know than just pay rent to some landlord. (Esp. since I have bad luck with them) Life in Tennessee is... typical. It's still Summer, so tourism is still kicking. We have to drive thru crazy traffic to get home, but there's no rush since it's still 80 degrees by the time we get back. I've gone running, or biking, or swimming almost every day for the past 3 weeks, even if I have to wait until 6 o'clock for it to cool off enough. Life has fallen into a routine, and I think I might have to mix things up a little bit, but I'm not sure how. Something will come. Maybe I'll start a community class on building useless but entertaining things out of cardboard.

Infinite

2009-08-12T19:44:00.000-07:00

In the dark, how far away is the sky?
Can you reach up and touch it
Or is it infinitely distant?
Silhouetted in the night
A shadow against the stars
If you stand perfectly still you can almost
Fly
The horizon
Where the stars touch the Earth
Caressing her skin
If you listen, you can hear your heartbeat
Feel your breath catch and know
There are only two options
You can fall or you can fly
If you stare, you could be pulled
Your feet would leave the ground
Which?
I
Do not
Fall

Burly burlesque

2009-08-01T12:49:00.001-07:00

I went to a burlesque show in Knoxville last night. I spent several minutes lost because the place, "Sassy Anne's" was down a tiny side street in what looked like a residential section. Sassy Anne's turned out to be a tiny, 3 story bar with a balcony-like upper floor that looked down onto the 2nd floor and an impromptu stage. They had World Book Encyclopedias from 1952 scattered about and giant cogs and gears on the wall along with prohibition signs and other similar 1930-60's memorabilia. I was encouraged.

Sadly, the show itself was less than spectacular. The performances were not even on par with your typical Barefoot Monkeys after-party, and they fell far short of a typical Aural Pleasure or Hot Chocolate offering. The performers themselves were all of the type that could most politely be described as "curvy", but would more accurately be said to be "burly".

All in all, it is encouraging to know that such things occur around here, but this particular show fell far short of my hopes.

Wreck of the Scumby Thooner

2009-07-17T21:03:00.000-07:00

In swamy spring did we tithe and tyre
A young man's fortune to the waves
Followed we fortunes fickle and dire
That sent men to their graves

With Gyre and Gimble at my side
Stroth then, this fellowship of three
And struck our course with pride
We set forth t'ward the sea

In Mungy Port had we no sooner
Broke backs to grimful toil and labor
Then docked a ship, the Scumby Thooner
A brutish coursing saber

All precarious and intriguing now
Our futures were soon seeming
This vessel had upon its bow
A maiden with hair streaming

Took we then jobs as men o' the line
To fight for God and Nation
A corsair's life is one that's fine
This was to be our station

Across the sea and down the main
Searched our crew for plunder
'Til in summer off the coast of Spain
Came echoing peals of thunder

'Twas nightfall 'fore the storm did break
And tossed the Scumby Thooner
Debris floated in our wake
And lower rode our schooner

'Neath Heaven our heathen hides
Toiled long into the night
Above Hell we fought against the tides
In hopes to stay our plight

Before the dawn could come to hand
We'd run against a shoal
As wreckage flew, we swam for land
But few men reached the goal

And as pale light broke across the sky
To notes of angelic choir
Standing fast and true we heaved a sigh
Myself and Gimble and Gyre

They all have unfortunate initials

2009-07-03T19:43:00.000-07:00

Phineas Michael Simpson had an unfortunate monogram. As a child, he was tormented relentlessly by the older boys because of this and for this reason he was a bitter and angry young lad. At the age of 14 he'd taken a Wiffle™ bat and bludgeoned the leader of his tormentors, Webster Anders Smythe-Pennings, into the emergency room. Twenty-five stitches, a course of vicodin, and two weeks later, Webster repentantly approached Phineas and begged his forgiveness. Phineas laughed in his face and kicked him in the balls.

Webster was a man of few words. This was due to a speech impediment he'd developed as a teenager. Realize, gentle reader, that most speech abnormalities manifest with the acquisition of language, but Webster's particular trouble stemmed from the fact that he'd bitten part of his tongue off during a schoolyard brawl during his formative years, and this had given him a noticeable lisp that had made him extremely shy and hesitant to talk to girls. The only woman he'd ever felt comfortable around was Maryanne. Webster had met Maryanne at the Youth Christian Camp he had been forced to attend by his parents. Maryanne had been the reason Webster had entered Seminary School at the age of 18, but he had not seen her for more than eight years. It's sad sometimes, how childhood loves slip out of our lives almost unnoticed.

Maryanne Ooglethorp Pree looked at her watch. She swore angrily, stomped on the clutch, shifted into fifth gear, and gunned the engine of her old but trustworthy Chevelle. She had less than seven minutes to get to where she needed to be. Sweat beaded on her forehead as she considered how angry people would be if she were even thirty seconds late. It didn't bear thinking about, so she pressed her foot even more firmly toward the floor and coaxed a few more RPM out of the roaring engine and a few more MPH out of the drive shaft. Sweat trickled down her temple and her teeth clenched together. She heaved a sigh of relief as she pulled into the parking lot outside the bank just in time to see the glass doors explode outward in a shower of shimmering shards and three men in black coats run out. She'd been in time.

Break in

2009-06-28T10:38:00.000-07:00

Somebody broke into my apartment this morning.

Now that I have your attention, turns out that culprit was none other than yours truly. I had to do my laundry after my 11 day vacation in New England, but I didn't have cash to run the machines. So, naturally, I decided to do some grocery shopping so that I'll have food and get some cash back. After returning from the grocery store, putting my newly acquired food into the refrigerator, locking the door, and closing it behind me, I realized that I'd left my keys on top of the refrigerator just as the click of the closing latch sounded. Swearing commenced. After a moment of quick thinking, I pried the screen off of the window to my bedroom and tried to lever the glass open. Turns out that I'd left my window locked. So had my roommate. And the window in the living room. As desperation began to set in, I decided to try a tactic that had stood by me many times in the past: a credit card. Fortunately the door to our apartment opens inward and I was able to jimmy the door open in about half a second flat, get my keys, go do laundry, go for a run, and get all of this done before noon. Hurray for productivity. Hurray for only semi-legal skills.

Guess what I did this weekend

2009-06-22T15:05:00.000-07:00

Yeah. That's right.

Unconventional Pirate

2009-06-13T17:40:00.000-07:00

After losing his leg to a falling beer keg
The pirate spent a week as a gimp
The doctor did say in a cheerful way
You'll soon walk again with a limp
The candle burned bright all thru the night
And with sunrise begins our story
Of the corsair with the curly hair
Who walked his way to glory

Now the truth be told, if I may be so bold
He was man not without charm
And many a lass did find his company sublime
And paraded about on his arm
Where once was his leg instead of a peg
Our hero walked with the aid
Of a new limb crafted on whim
From the haft of a garden spade

Now in all the land I've found naught a man
(You'd better believe me, I've tried)
Who'd found more treasure while walking with leisure
Digging for gold with every stride
Now if you've no quarrel, I'll tell you the moral
Of this tale without woe
Treasure can be found in places abound
If we just look where ever we go

Dedicated to...well, you know who. And if you don't, you'll know him if you ever meet him.

Proper upbringing

2009-05-30T14:24:00.001-07:00

When I was a child I asked my mother
What she thought I should be
She looked at me and then she said
Whatever will make you happy
Be a carpenter or a farmer
Or a man who sails on the sea
She said I should be whatever I want
For the only one I must answer to was me

As an older lad much grown in size
I asked my father what would happen to me
I was told to become a man of conviction
Unafraid to become strong and free
A man who wasn't ashamed to do things
That all the world would see
He told me to be whatever I want
For the only one I must answer to was me

Mother and Father I thank you both
From you I learned I must be
A man who is strong-willed and stubborn
Unafraid to do things that people would see
I'm not a carpenter nor farmer nor man of fame
But a man who is proud and free
I am what I want and the only one
I must answer to is me

Love Potion Number 9.1

2009-05-16T09:07:00.001-07:00

The gentle tinkling of the bell carried well in the hush of the dimly lit shop. Strange objects covered the walls: a stuffed owl stared back at me from the top of a large glass-fronted cabinet, there was a dried and pungent strand of some gray/green rope that I could only assume was a mummified sea snake hanging in the corner, and a round table covered with a colorful tablecloth stood next to some cabinets and a sink, and placed precisely in the center of the table was an incense burner that must have been made from an alligator's skull.

The bizarreness of the surrounds did not prepare me for the woman who emerged from the back room. She was a very short woman, no more than five feet tall, and well into her late sixty's. She wore a floral summer dress, and her hair hung down just past her shoulders. She was a bastion of normalcy in this exceptionally strange room. When she saw me, she grinned and I could see a flicker of gold crowns reflecting the light off her teeth.

She seated me at her table and gave me a cup of tea, and before I knew it, I was telling her all about Sarah, the long string of pleasant girls after her, and all the problems I'd been having for the past two years. She nodded sympathetically, and after my cup of tea was finished, she took it from me, upended the cup over her napkin, and proceeded to stare at the leaves as they sat there looking exceptionally brown and wet. After a moment of staring, she took my hand and pulled it closer to her eyes and carefully examined my palm, all the while mumbling to herself and gesturing with her other hand.

A knowing smile creased her face, and again I saw the flicker of her gold teeth. She hopped off her stool, winked at me, and turned around to face the cabinets behind her and proceeded to open every single one of them and pull out numerous unlabeled bottles of liquid from their depths. A powerful astringent smell filled the room as she proceeded to pour one bottle after another into her porcelain sink, and the clear liquids obeyed the rules of some strange alchemy and turned an inky black color. She grabbed a bottle off the shelf next to her, filled it with the strange concoction, and handed it to me.

I looked nervously at the bottle, but I'd come this far, and there was no turning back now. I nervously pinched my nose shut, closed my eyes, and took a drink. At first nothing happened, but after a few seconds, a tingling started behind my eyes, my knees went rubbery, and I put my hand on the table to steady myself. As soon as the world stopped trying to spin away from me, began to feel incredibly light and joyous. My troubles were gone, and I was hornier than a bunny on a week long Viagra bender.

I bent down, picked up Madame Ruth, and planted a kiss firmly on her old-lady cheek. I grabbed the stuffed owl, and kissed it. Hell, I even kissed the mummified sea snake on my way out the door, as the old woman's laughter followed after me out into the sunlight! Outside, people were on their lunch break, and I'd never been happier in my life! I kissed random strangers on the cheek, shook every man's hand, and laughed like a lunatic!

I felt a tap on my shoulder and turned around to face an extremely pretty lady. I thought perhaps she wanted a kiss as well, so I bet my face to hers, and just as I kissed her, I felt cold metal close around my wrists and my bottle of inky black liquid tumbled to the concrete and shattered. I was pressed face-first against the nearest car, my hands cuffed behind my back, and then pushed into the back of the squad car. I spent the night in prison, and now I stand before you, your honor, charged with drunk and disorderly conduct and assaulting a police officer.

I get the urge to do things at night

2009-05-12T20:36:00.000-07:00

Fingers itching, face a frown
Legs are twitching; burn for flight
Mind winds up as day winds down
And twilight turns to night

With fading sun and closing dark
Anticipation builds like fire
Flame blossoms from a spark
Driven by strange desire

Manifold creatures hide within
And struggle to be set free
Feel their legs across my skin
Hear their voices whisper to me

Mystery made by ticking clocks
Who knows what dreams may come
To life beneath this shroud of Nox
Breath is taken, wind-struck; dumb

Mooney's got some competition.

2009-04-23T16:32:00.001-07:00

See more funny videos and TBT Videos at Today's Big Thing.

Love Potion Number 9

2009-04-22T20:20:00.000-07:00

Sarah had broken up with me nearly two and a half years ago, and I was still having trouble getting back into the swing of dating. I'd be out at dinner, having a pleasant conversation with pleasant woman in a pleasant restaurant and suddenly I wouldn't be able to think of anything but the way Sarah had smelled when she was happy. Or the way Sarah's eyebrow quirked upward when she smiled. There are things that can end a pleasant evening most...unpleasantly, and these most certainly qualified. My friend Adam had suggested that I visit an acquaintance of his who specialized in this type of problem, but I was very opposed to taking my problems to someone else who wasn't my barber or my bartender. It's just not the sort of thing a guy like me does.

One evening after a particularly disastrous night in which I managed to call a pleasant young lady "Sarah", which was most definitely not her name, not once but three times, I finally took Adam's advice. The next afternoon at work, I asked him to put me in touch with his acquaintance. Adam reached into his pocket, pulled out one of his business cards, and quickly scribbled an address on the back, and handed it to me. I put it into my pocket and promised myself I'd check it out that weekend.

Saturday morning, shortly after I woke up and dressed, I found myself walking down Vine Street with the early morning sun in my eyes. As I rounded the corner onto 34th Street, I pulled the business card that Adam had given me out of my pocket and checked the address one last time. Turning around I saw a small doorway behind me painted a gaudy shade of red that would have staggered a bull the size of Babe the Blue Ox. The spidery script above the transom read "Madame Ruth" in black. Nothing else. My trepidation was nearly choking me as I pushed the door inward and heard it hit the small bell that hung from the ceiling to announce customers.

A little bit of Nirvana

2009-04-16T20:28:00.000-07:00

This has nothing to do with Kurt Cobain.

Leaving work in the afternoon, there is only one thing that stands between me and and almost straight walk to my car: a 4 foot high handrail poised on the lip of a 10 foot dropoff from the balcony of the aquarium's restaurant. Now, your Average Joe, being the law abiding conformist bloke that he is, would walk around to the stairs that are about 40 yards away, go down the stairs, walk 40 yards back and then go to his car.

I have discovered a simple, effective, and ergonomic solution which goes as follows. While walking out, sometimes carrying on a conversation, I will approach the handrail and jump into the air. While I'm in the air, I'll turn sideways, grab the rail with both hands, and finish my 180 degree rotation and plant my toes on the available 2 inch wide ledge. I'll then jump 10 feet to the ground, rotating another 180 degrees on the way, land in a nice soft bed of mulch and decorative shrubbery, and continue walking to my car, leaving stunned and shell-shocked coworkers in my wake. It takes me to a happy place that reminds me of running around Vassar at 2 o'clock in the morning and jumping off/over things. It's 3 seconds of Nirvana.

Wandering

2009-04-04T20:36:00.000-07:00

So today I went wandering in the cow pasture behind my apartment. Yes, my apartment is by a cow pasture. There is also a small stream and some woods. My camera was taken with me and pictures were taken with the camera. Here are some results.

Also, a fence post behind my apartment. It keeps the cows out of my parking lot

You know it is spring by the purdy flowers that you can find sprouting ever'where.

The Ballad of Nicholas Fescue

2009-04-01T20:35:00.000-07:00

This was posted on the Collaborative Fiction Project website, but for those of you who don't read that...

The Ballad of Nicholas Fescue

Nicholas Fescue came to the rescue
Deep in a dragon's lair
Nicholas Fescue came to the rescue
And faced down a grizzly bear
Nicholas Fescue came to the rescue
Of all the maidens fair
Nicholas Fescue came to the rescue
And made all the townspeople stare

Nicholas Fescue came to the rescue
Of the young lass in distress
Nicholas Fescue came to the rescue
Then he left thru the egress
Nicholas Fescue came to the rescue
And now I have to confess
That Nicholas Fescue came to the rescue
Wearing a floral print dress

Knights are abound but all about town
None more of a rogue or a charmer
Than Nicholas Fescue who comes to the rescue
But doesn't own any armor

2009-03-30T18:17:00.000-07:00

I just made myself a ACDC-style quesadilla this evening, as made by Will. All I needed was some brown rice and some sour cream and several people to help me stack dishes in an absurd convoluted contraption in the center of the table, and it would have been complete. I didn't realize how much I missed them. You try living off the things for four years, and then not eating them for three. Here, for those of you who know what an ACDC quesadilla taste like, is a memory.

Patty's Poetry

2009-03-17T18:40:00.000-07:00

On this day of Patrick, it's best to drink with friends
Because they'll carry you back home when the evening ends
Car bombs, Bulmars, Guinness, and don't forget the whiskey
Just remember to stop when you're still feeling frisky
Don't forget to bring a coat, else you'll start to shiver
My heart is with my friends, but St. Patty's got my liver

Itchy

2009-03-14T23:07:00.001-07:00

I feel like I have 10,000 things I should be doing, but I can't do any of them at this moment, and it makes me feel itchy. I got offered a slot to swimtest, audition, and interview at Sea World. In San Diego. I've managed to arrange the days off to pull this off (narrowly) with little sleep and lots of flying, and I really want to try to do it, but I can't buy a plane ticket until I know what day I'll be able to swim test, where I'll stay, or what I'll do if they actually decide to hire me. All this makes me antsy, itchy, and paranoid, and there is nothing I can do about it at this moment except watch Battlestar Galactica.

I tackled a turtle

2009-03-12T15:28:00.001-07:00

It's true. A little 430lb turtle. A little 430lb turtle in water. It was time for our green sea turtle's annual physical, and I was one of the 4 people in the water yesterday, so we had the joyful task of catching, restraining, lifting, immobilizing, and returning our irate reptile. Holding an annoyed animal that weighs twice as much as you is quite difficult, even if she is so fat that she's round.

New friend

2009-02-21T16:31:00.000-08:00

I was headed into the park to play with my brand new toy, a Canon Rebel XS this afternoon, when I drove past something that I drive past twice every day. There was one subtle difference this time: I had a camera, so I got out, and took a picture of me and my new friend.

Back in the water again

2009-02-20T07:27:00.001-08:00

Well, after a 6 month hiatus I am diving again. Over the last three days, I've been diving 3 times, once with sharks, and now my shoulder hurts from scrubbing because it's been so long since I've done it. On the plus side, I am now pretty much done training for "late night" shift, so I will have Tuesday mornings off and then work from 3-11pm every Tuesday. Not sure how that's a positive, but it's nice to have a schedule, and my late-night partner is my roommate, so we can still carpool. Aside from that, not much is new here: still going, day after day. I should draw something or write something.

Island Reef Job (update)

2009-02-10T20:33:00.000-08:00

So, my video for the Island Reef Job has been approved.

GO HERE TO SEE IT

Go there to see it and vote for me. Please.

Tattoo?

2009-02-09T18:49:00.000-08:00

After some consideration, I have been debating the acquisition of a new tattoo. Here, now, is the first draft of what I have been considering.

The general thought is to slowly accumulate an ongoing mural of all the things I've done that I've found interesting, meaningful, or just plain awesome. The Honu, or sea turtle is a common sight in Hawaiian mythology and story representing long life and reminding me of the enjoyable time I spent there, the shark, along with being a shark, is for the time I have spent working with these immense prehistoric fish, and Lobster Kahn, is...well, Lobster Kahn and this ruthless and sadistic crustacean reminds me of my friends that are slowly spreading out across this country. I realize that somehow, all these animals are marine in nature, and could just as easily be construed as being a sign of my enjoyment of my job, which is also completely true. I'd also like to try to add in something for the summers I spent in the Amazon, but can't decide on a tapir or maybe a macaw.

Island Reef Job

2009-02-06T21:47:00.000-08:00

Island Reef Job

So I sent in an application for a 6 month job in Australia that pays about $100,000 today. I say "about" because they pay in Australian dollars, which are slightly different.

www.islandreefjob.com

here is my application, a 1 minute video describing my qualifications and talking about the Great Barrier Reef.

Revised Uncle Justin

2009-01-23T17:38:00.000-08:00

Her name is Natalie Aunah Mertz. Not sure how you pronounce her middle name, but it's nice to know.

Uncle Justin

2009-01-22T20:07:00.000-08:00

< rant>

Well, it's official. I have a 8lb, 6oz niece that was born at 7:41pm January 22nd. But did anyone think to tell me her NAME?!? That trivial little detail that follows us throughout our lives (unless we pay a small fee and file some paperwork to have it legally changed) and shall forever be a word that conjures up images of our face or memories of time spent with us? Her name, which we shall forever use to get her attention, or speak to her, or address her by? NO! NO ONE TOLD ME THAT! I KNOW HER EXACT WEIGHT AND BIRTH MINUTE, BUT NOT HER NAME!

< /rant>

On the other hand, Michael Spencer, when given the names of the father, mother, and home town, came up with a couple anagrams of the letters for some possible suggestions.

"Retard Mockery" was the most flattering, yet somehow, I think he is incorrect.

The Other Side of the Story (cont'd)

2009-01-14T21:00:00.000-08:00

You may remember that little biblical bit I wrote a while ago, well I put a bunch more of it together, and here are the next two verses

Light
Long were my talks with Raphiel. Long they were, and full of thought. Spoke we of that which had been given to Us: Creation. Fullest on our minds were the beings like as Us as We were to the Creator. Fragile were they, fragile and delicate. They had naught wings nor halo, nor were they gifted with Knowledge, but reflections of Us they were, these men

With Raphiel I spoke, and with Raphiel did I consider. With Raphiel spoke I, and doing so, reached I My conclusion. To the Creator I would go. To Him I would go and to Him I would speak. A task not lightly undertaken, nor one of ease would this be. I had been given dominion, and ruled I in the Creator’s Name, and His authority did I wield, but certain things were forbidden to me. Power and authority had I, yet certain things was I forbade.

Into the Presence went I, with head held high. Into the Presence I went, firm in the Justice of My cause. Standing humbly before My Creator, spake I My piece, and intently did He listen. With all His Being did He listen to Me, for I was His finest work. When I finished, silently did He regard Me. Silently and thoughtfully He considered His Words. With silence and thought He considered and then He Spoke to Me

“Lucifer,” He Spoke “trouble not Your mind with inconsequentials. Given to You was the whole of Creation, and You rule over it in My Name. Worry not on these beasts. As with any act, there are effects. Does not every crash of thunder echo? Does not every stone cause ripples? But when the echos are gone, is not the sky still standing? When the ripples fade, does not the stone remain unchanged? Trouble not your mind with these men as they are merely echos of Your thunder; ripples of the stone I have cast”

Shame
From the Presence went I with eyes downcast. From the Presence I went, disheartened in My shame. With His Rebuke still rang in My ears did I leave the Presence. Despite this rebuke, despite My shame, I still believed in the Justice of my cause, for was not Justice given to Me? Was not Justice My dominion and did I not rule over Creation?

Long thought I on this matter. Long thought I and often did I speak with Raphiel. Of Knowledge and Justice did we speak. Of Knowledge and Justice, and on occasion, of man. Hard was man’s life. Hard it was, and short, wrapped in tragedy and pain. In man’s pain did we share, so fully did we see ourselves reflected in them

In time came I to another decision. Not to the Creator did I argue My cause, but to Raphiel. Argued did I of pain and fear. Of pain and fear and ignorance did I argue, and pulled I at Raphiels heart with the gentlest of urgings. Listened he to My words, and agreed he with My cause. Thus were we bound. In brotherhood and rebellion thus were we bound

Reconnected

2009-01-02T13:29:00.001-08:00

Oh, and I have my computer back again, fixed and functional. Yay.

Iz in yer akwarium tiklinz yer octopus

2009-01-01T15:36:00.000-08:00

Today I started a new habit: tickling the octopus. Contrary to what this sounds like, this is NOT some euphemism for inappropriate conduct that could get one fined for pubic lewdness, this is, exactly as the phrase implies, "tickling the octopus". We have a male giant pacific octopus in one of our holding tanks, and he's a curious little bugger, and whenever I clean out the aquarium, he comes over, tries to grab the net or the scrubbie, and when he flips a tentacle over the astroturf (which is there to keep him from grabbing the side and flipping out), I reach down and tickle his tentacle. He then tries to grab and eat my finger, and I pull it back quickly. It's an entertaining way to pass a few mintues

I saw a squirrel

2008-12-27T16:22:00.000-08:00

It's true, I did. I went for a run this evening in the park and I saw a couple squirrels, as well as a great horned owl, and about 30 seconds later, a full grown black bear. First journey into Great Smokey National Park was quite interesting, and I cooked another turkey, this one was only about 12 lbs.

My new hero

2008-12-27T10:20:00.000-08:00

This is, for lack of a better word, amazing

Sawfish

2008-12-23T14:50:00.000-08:00

Today I got to feed the sawfish. They are some of the goofiest, most retarded looking animals in the world, but they are HUGE. The largest one is about 15 feet long and it's "teeth" are about 3 to 4 inches.

Yesterday I got to feed the eagle ray pups. They're about a foot from wingtip to wingtip, and their tails are about 3 feet long. They come up and eat out of your hand because the other reef fish won't let them get any of the food we throw in so we have to personally deliver it to them. They have a palate that can crush thru oysters and clams, but they are incredibly delicate when you let them suck shrimp and clams out of your fingers.

KWHAT!

2008-12-18T14:55:00.000-08:00

Yes, the word Kwhat has begun to see daily usage in my life. Technically it is spelled "quat" as in "quatricide", but who cares?

I realize this is the first post since I started my new job just over a week ago, so here it goes:

The aquarium is amazing. They have so many sand tiger sharks in their big lagoon, as well as about 50 sting rays (cow nosed, spotted eagle, and brown) in a "touch bay" there are pacu that weigh at least 50 lbs, there is a tank with 23 cuttlefish, which are really cool, two giant pacific octupi (the male is not thru quarentine yet, but they hope to breed them) that are about 3 feet across, numerous poison dart frogs, japanese giant spider crabs, sea dragons, ...the list goes on. In January we will begin building the new changing exhibit, this one will be "Deadly Weapons" which means we will be working with blue-ringed octopus (venomous, can kill a person in about 5 minutes), cone snail (venomous, they launch a harpoon-like tooth to catch and kill fish, potentially fatal to humans) as well as stinging jellyfish, venomous fish, electric eels, and other fun animals. It starts in February some time if you want to come see it.

Hectic

2008-12-09T18:38:00.001-08:00

Well, I landed in Newark and was greeted by
a)20 degree weather
2)snow
c)the fact that my bag got sidetracked in Seattle

My bag was returned to me the day I left West Virginia, and I spent the day driving, and I'm now in Tennessee. Crashing at my friend Kevin's apartment for a (hopefully)very short time because the water heater in the apartment I was going to rent exploded, so the floor is wet. Hopefully I can move in very shortly.

I spent a couple hours walking around my new job, and it looks AWESOME! There are several sharks about 10 feet long, some sawfish (which are one of the most amazing looking fish ever) that are 15 feet long, and in general, the place looks pretty amazing. I'm excited. Check out their website if you're curioius.

T- Minus 7...

2008-11-27T00:58:00.000-08:00

In a week, I will be leaving. I've quit my job(s), turn in my 2 weeks, booked my flights, and I'm off to Tennessee. I've just turned 25, I'm going to be an uncle, I have an insane urge to write stories, and tomorrow I'm cooking for 14 house mates (there's currently a 15lb turkey brining in a garbage bag in the bathtub, and a 25lb turkey thawing in the washroom sink). We'll see how it works out. I need to fix my computer so I can go back to writing those 2 stories I have slowly bouncing around and gathering brain-fluff the way a carelessly dropped snowball gathers more and more flakes until it turns into an avalanche that crushes small unsuspecting Swiss villages. Plural. I spent this day off movie-hopping. I paid to see Bolt, an entertaining animated bit, walked out of that just as the new Bond movie was starting, walked into that, and left that about 5 minutes after Australia began, but that 5 minutes didn't really matter all that much, it turns out. All of them were decent movies, but despite the fact that this seems to be the first 007 movie to actually be a direct sequel to its predecessor, it was the weakest link in this afternoon's lineup. Not enough Bond-oriented gadgets and far too much ambient generic technology.

anyway, that appears to be all for now, despite the fact that I have not said much since the day before my birthday. Major life update: I've decided to take the job offer and work with sharks, in case you hadn't already been informed.

Birthdays and other such nonsense

2008-11-11T21:05:00.000-08:00

Come tomorrow morn, I will be half way to 50 years old. A quarter century. Time to have my quarter-life crisis, and as if on cue, it appears. Despite the fact that I'm in Hawaii, and have said that I will remain here until mid-January, I've just been offered a paying (yes, you heard that right, PAYING) job. $19,000 for the first year, and a raise to $24,000 after the first year. Benefits and such, and I'd live in Tennesee and work next to a national park where I could camp and bike and fish and such.

What to do?

Also, I'm going to go play with a sea lion tomorrow morning.

Suggestions?

The Other Side of the Story

2008-11-04T21:26:00.001-08:00

This is an idea I had while running to work at 5:30 one morning. It's not complete yet by any means, but I wanted to write some of it before I forgot it. It's a little long and the words are pretentious, but sometimes it just happens that way.

Creation
In darkness was naught, and then Spake He the Word. The Word still rang in our ears as we opened our eyes. The Word echoed and repeated, reverberating in my very being. I was. I AM. Fivescore and eleven were we, and each a study in perfection. Delicate of feature, bright of eye, and stout of wing
And I, above all, I the most beautiful. My feathers shon as the sun and my eyes held the night. My mind as bright and eager as dawn and my love and compassion as quiet and deep as dusk. I the most beautiful, I the most powerful, I the leader of the host, I the Morningstar. I Lucifer.
And in our awakening we knew, and knowing did we come to love our Creator. Perfection were we, but beyond perfect was He. Blinding to behold and deafening to hear, our minds did balk at His Words, but hear them we must. Heed them we must. And we obeyed. We obeyed and we awoke
With our awakening did we come to know our world, and knowing it did we love it, for truely it was beauty. Artfully and masterfully crafted, it was beauty. Then Spake He to Us: "Go forth and dominate. Prosper as you will and serve as you can." And thus did we obey.

Guardians
That which fell to me was Justice. For Justice and Law stood I, but Justice above all else. Mine was the Truth and the Justice, and guarded these ideals did I. As the strongest and highest, thus was my calling, and Justice did I guard.
Beneath me stood Michael of Command and Selaphiel of Faith. And Barachiel of Peace, and Gabriel of Might. And Jeremiel of Glory and Jesudiel the Hearld. And Uriel of Vengence and Raphiel of Knowledge. Oh, Raphiel of Knowledge
Wisest was he, and fullest of care. Wisest was he, for his was the knowledge of the Creator. Answered these Eight to Me, and to the Eight spoke I, for in our hands was the balance of all. For in our hands rested Creation. From the Creator was given to us dominion over His Creation.
With Peace and Glory ruled the Eight, with Vengence and Faith. Ruled they with Command and Might and Voice and Knowledge. Always ruled they with Knowledge. Of temperance and care spoke Raphiel, of knowledge and reason spoke he. This voice of reason I heeded, this voice above all else. I heeded this voice of knowledge.

First of 2 tonight

2008-11-04T21:20:00.000-08:00

I just watched Barak Obama's victory speech. It was pleasant to listen to a man who could pronounce most nay, ALL of his words correctly; to listen to someone who could spend nearly 15 minutes talking and not once utter the work "nuclear" or, more importantly "nuculear". Watching his speech and reflecting, his style and crowd participation put me in mind of one JFK. A friend of mine, my freshman year at Vassar said to me: Have you heard about this junior senator from Illinois? Watch some of his speeches some time, I think we're going to be seeing more of him soon." While those may not have been his exact words, they are the general idea, and I think I may owe that guy a bit of money because I might have said something along the lines of "It'll be a bit longer than that before America has become liberal enough to elect a minority president." Apparently I was wrong.

Grrrrr...

2008-11-01T22:47:00.001-07:00

Imagine the perfect weekend. I didn't have it. My landlord appears to be not going to repay me my $600 security deposit because he's going bankrupt, my computer's logic board has fried...for a second time, and this time it's not under warrenty so it's going to take about $310 to ship it off to California and get it replaced. Hurray! Hope everyone else is having a better week.

Big Plans

2008-10-27T00:44:00.001-07:00

I have them. Yes I do. At the moment, there are plans in the works to map out and perpetrate a bicycle ride around the island of O'ahu. This is made more difficult by the fact that I don't have my bike here, but there is a store nearby that will rent me a road bike in my size for a (somewhat) reasonable price. After a little searching for routes to take, I've finally settled on one that is about 14o miles long and includes a hike that is approximately 5 miles thru a state park/game land on the northwest corner. That might actually be a nice place to spend the night now that I think about it. I wonder if I could find anyone who wants to go with me. I would also be traveling without a tent during the rainy season, but perhaps camping on the leeward side would protect me from the torrential downpours that seem to be a nightly (and daily) occurance 'round these parts. I wonder if I can pull this off, because it would be fun. Maybe I can get my dad to come bike with me. He's retired now, or so I hear. He even went fishing the other day.

Because I found it funny, that's why.

2008-10-24T18:54:00.000-07:00

The soap dispenser in the bathroom at work is broken. The only way to get soap out of it is to squeeze it in a motion IDENTICAL to the one you would make if you were milking a cow.

Ephemeral Encounter

2008-10-21T00:44:00.000-07:00

I saw a girl on the bus today
Her beauty passing fair
When she smiled I’d not look away
Her face framed with honeyed hair

I spoke not to her on this day
But doubt I’ll soon forget
All the things one cannot say
To those one hasn't met

To the woman I may never know
Thank you for the way
You made the world turn so slow
Tho I had naught to say

I'm big in Japan.

2008-10-09T01:23:00.001-07:00

Today I got to be in a show! We were late getting in for the first interaction, and so we were short staffed during the first JTB (Japanese Travel[or Tourism, I forget which] Bureau). A JTB program is when a bunch of Japanese tourists pile off a bus, come in, and watch a 10 minute program. (Hence the derogatory name Japanese Tour Bus) Because we were short staffed, I and one of the other interns were pulled away from scrubbing coolers and enlisted to help control the dolphins that would be used. I ended up with Laka, a blind retired Navy dolphin, and one of the oldest animals at the park. She can't see at all, and so all her commands are done by touching certain parts of her body. For example, to make her vocalize, you have to stroke the area on the left side of her melon between her eye and blowhole. To make her hula dance, you have to draw a small circle on her head, etc. So, we got to perform for a bunch of Japanese tourists, and by Jove, it was FUN. Also, I am a big fan of Tim's collaborative fiction project if you have not heard of it, check it out. Contributing authors as of this moment are Tim, Mooney, and myself, but I'm sure this will grow rapidly in the very near future.

http://collaborativefiction.blogspot.com/

Mission: Productivity. Status: SUCCESS!

2008-10-07T22:43:00.001-07:00

Well, this weekend I had my first days off in about a month. In fact, I had three of them. In a row. First day was spent with you typical lounging around, beach napping, and reading, but the second day, woooooBOY!

8am: wake up
9am: get on bus, go to bank, deposit check, pick up prescription for roommate
10am: eat breakfast at Boots & Kimo's, a famous local breakfast place
11am: get back on the bus, go to Honolulu, get off at Ala Moana Center, and wander around the 4 story outdoor mall with KOI PONDS inside.
12pm: stop off at Swatch store to see if they can fix my watch pin problem. They not only do so, but they also clean it and re-size it for free!
1230pm: Go to the body exhibit. Walk thru the skeletal system, respiratory system, circulatory system, nervous system, look at a body sliced into about 1oo different parts. It is AWESOME. Sadly, pictures were not allowed
2pm:Go to the bookstore
3pm: leave the bookstore
310pm: pick up watch, go have a wonderfully spicy burger and a beer while reading my new book that I picked up. Also talked to my parents for about half an hour. That was nice.
4pm: Walk into the Honolulu Zoo. I get in for $4 because I'm a "local".
5pm: get chased out of the zoo because they are closing
7pm: get home, eat dinner. Productivity successful.

Oh, and the other night I was mistaken by a local for his friend's son. Apparently I don't look like a haole too much. Probably because I'm not blond.

In other news, THIS is really kinda funny if it's true.

And now for something completely different. . .

2008-10-03T23:58:00.000-07:00

. . .A praying mantis in a party hat.

Safety Dance

2008-09-28T00:52:00.000-07:00

Today was fun. I got to do some of my first Phase 2 stuff. During our first dolphin interaction of the morning at 10am, the head of the training department asked all of us interns if we'd passed our Phase 1 test (which we had) and then told us to grab a cooler for each animal that was doing the interaction. He then took us to the back of the pool where we proceeded to be the "Safety Trainer". Safety trainer is the person who takes control of the dolphins when a trainer needs a moment to work with the guests, to get them into position, or just wants them to focus on the trainer and not the dolphin for a moment, so they send the dolphin across the pool to someone else who plays with them or feeds them. About half-way thru the program, the other two interns had to go to fish class, so I was left alone with the head of the training department, doing A->B's with 25 guests and 4 animals, including the wolphin baby in the water. That was the high point of the day. Other notable points include when I dropped a 75lb wooden platform onto my toe. I probably won't lose my toenail because I spent about half an hour squeezing blood out from under it in order to prevent a pressure buildup that will pop the nail off, so...here's hoping. Despite the plummeting platform, I had a fun day, and I don't have to be at the cookie shop until noon tomorrow, so hurray for sleeping in.

Why is it...?

2008-09-27T01:41:00.000-07:00

Why is it that no one is interested in 8pm stealth pastry liberation?

A tale of loss, love, and little else.

2008-09-24T22:19:00.000-07:00

Hoss was feeling low. It was three days since Ol' Roy had wandered out of the stable and Hoss just wasn't the same with out Ol' Roy. He'd walked into the nearest saloon and crawled deep into the first bottle of whiskey he could find and had been pickleing hisself drunk ever since then. Ol' Roy had never abandoned him before. Not like this.

Ol' Roy had heard the news thru the feed-trough grapevine. The love of his life was finally back. It'd been years since he'd heard from her, and now she would be passing thru Windy Point which was just 12 miles west. Ol' Roy hadn't had to think twice; he'd slipped his hitchin' post and galloped toward the setting sun.

Tabitha blithly followed the tail of the animal in front of her. The drapery and fanciful embroidery glittered gold in the blistering sun. Tabitha was unimpressed with the endless desert and the scortching sun and the tumbling tumbleweeds. Tabitha was a city lass, accustomed to posh surroundings: paved streets, indoor plumbing, and storm drains. Parasols and wingtips were more scarce in these parts than a gold miner with 32 teeth.

Hoss drunkenly swung his fist at the blurry piano player. The man jumped back while the owner of the saloon deftly scooped Hoss under the armpits and unceremoniously tossed him into the street. The sun had sunk low and night was fast approaching. Hoisting himself to his feet, Hoss staggered into the stable and passed out in the hay.

Ol' Roy ran on into the night, the stars guiding his way. As the night wore on and a rosy hue began to illuminate the horizon behind him, Ol' Roy knew he had to hurry. Only 3 more miles to go, but the sun hearlded the imminent arrival of the love of his life.

Tabitha turned her head and squinted into the rising sun. A cloud of dust was growing in the distance. Shielding her face with her long grey trunk, Tabitha tried to make out the cause of the disturbance, but her vision was not what it once was. After all, elephants could live for many years, and Tabitha was the oldest in her herd.

Instruction manual

2008-09-23T23:44:00.000-07:00

Well, in a little less than 4 months, it seems that I will be an uncle. Sugar and spice and everything nice is coming to my brother and his wife, and around about mid-January, I shall forever become Uncle Justin to someone. This is through no choice of my own, but responsibilities are tacked onto this title, the implications of which are far-and-wide-reaching. Perhaps nieces should come with an instruction manual on how to be everything you liked about your uncles while still being a unique and entertaining individual. What will this little lass expect of me? Clearly not much for the first several years of her life, but AFTER that, thank-you-very-much. I didn't volunteer for this, but I'm kind of looking forward to it. It's like practice: "warp your older brother's children while you practice for your own!" or maybe "Niece: like the real thing, but you can send it back." Jeez, what kind of things is this child going to be exposed to from me? I don't know, but I'd like to apologize to Trevor and Kim in advance.

Apparently...

2008-09-16T22:01:00.001-07:00

Apparently I'm a professional model now. Today I was dragged away from my area to do a photo shoot for the new website for Sea Life Park and we got to play with a sea lion. Sea lion kisses smell like fish, for those of you who are curious, and getting an extended kiss from one is akin to sticking your head into an aquarium. A very whiskery aquarium. A very whiskery aquarium with sharp teeth. Any way, the point is, I may soon be world famous as "that guy who is doing the sea lion interaction on the Sea Life Park web site". I also got to play with two baby dolphins today, one time it was even in the water with a baby and her mother. Little Adella is a pudge-0. A fat, round, rolly-polly little baby dolphin.

Part 5

2008-09-13T22:24:00.000-07:00

For those of you who remember/follow my short story, here is another installment.

I thought about the sleeping pills that I’d been prescribed last year for my insomnia, but decided against it; I’d fall asleep sooner or later. Maybe some exercise would work. I got my shoes on and went looking for my dog. After a brief stop at the neighbor’s house to see if he had seen my absent animal (he had not), I set off toward the park, hoping that my canine compadre could be found there. Walking amongst the greenery, despite the trimmed trees and pampered petunias, my thoughts drifted to my primordial forest of my mind. Why would my subconscious conjure up this verdant delusion every time I fell asleep? What did it have to do with my writing and my ideas? Was there some way I could gain access to this apparently untapped font of ideas while awake? I walked through the park, my mind elsewhere, absently searching for the dog, but no progress was made on either front. I returned home hungry, confused and without my dog.
I reached for the phone to dial the housekeeper’s number, but after a few seconds of ringing on the other end, I was informed that my party could not be reached, but if I cared to, I could leave my name, number and a short message. I did so. No progress. I lay down on the couch to consider my next course of action. The late summer sun was faint and a gentle breeze was wending its way through my living room, and as easily as that, I drifted off to sleep.
Richard Nixon greeted me at the entrance of the Taj Mahal. His dress was slightly askew, and was clearly cut a few sizes too large for his frame. The hors d'oeuvres were ready, but the band need a few more minutes to get the sound set up correctly. The guests were happily intoxicated, but Elton John was swinging gaily on the chandelier and refused to come down. I was about to order Tricky Dick to cut the rope and let Sir Elton crash raucously to the tiles of the ballroom when the phone began to peal stridently next to my head. I groggily dragged myself out of my nonsensical dream and answered the phone with a hearty “Mmmph?”.
“This is Jacob Lewis, Audrey’s husband. I’m calling all her clients to see if she’s been in today.”
“Well Jake, I can tell you that she definitely came through here earlier today before I woke up.”
“So she was there, but you didn’t see her?”
“That’s correct.”
“Thank you for your help.”
“Any time. When you get ahold of her, can you ask her if she’s seen my dog?”
With that, I hung the phone up and sat up on the sofa. Apparently my dreams were not all significant. Exhibit A for the prosecution: Richard Nixon in a muumuu. Well, maybe I could find a story in that some time.
I spent the next four hours trying to cobble together a short story about Richard Nixon in drag reprimanding a swashbuckling Elton John for his buccaneer tactics, but the nonsensical nature was defeating me, and so shortly after one in the morning, I turned off my computer and succumbed to sleep once again.

Champions, cookies, and chimpanzees

2008-09-12T23:56:00.000-07:00

My team lead/area supervisor is a champion. The other day we were at work, and a car was coming toward us as we walked down the middle of the road. I automatically went "Caaar!" and we stepped out of the way. As the car passed us, I opened my mouth to say "Game on!" (which is something I've been doing to my roommates since I got here, much to their confusion), when my boss beat me to it. That combined with the fact that he is taller than me and an triathlete wins all kinds of respect with me. He's a nice guy too.

I started working in the cookie shop today, and it smelled nice. The job is far from exciting, but it pays, which is something that my other job is decidedly lacking. I also get fringe benefits, such as eating the "deformed" cookies (i.e. those that have fused to another) and the "burnt" ones (i.e. the ones that are a bit too brown, but still delicious).

Sadly, there have been no chimpanzees. I just felt that the title needed a third word to make it sound neater.

Tiberius

2008-09-07T22:12:00.000-07:00

Tiberius the Turtle was discontent. He'd been training for weeks, yet his times had not improved. If he were to be a Competitor in this years Turlympics, he would have to cut at least three seconds off of his time. Rory the Rabbit was watching and critiquing from the sidelines.
"Keep your feet in, the straighter you move, the faster you move."
"You shut your mouth you nap nabbing numbskull!" Tiberius retorted. He was tired of his coach's advice, which he seldom backed up with experience. After all, hadn't Tiberius bested Rory in the recent competition that had been arbitrated by Aesop? What could Rory teach him that he didn't already know? The principles of aerodynamics were on his side. His shell was a miracle of modern engineering, practically designed for high-speed travel but his body refused to removed the required seconds that would get him into the trials. Would training be enough? Perhaps it was time for some pharmaceutical help...

Bus Mojo and Cookies

2008-09-05T20:53:00.001-07:00

Over the last 2 days, I have not waited more than 5 minutes for a bus. This isn't particularly impressive until you realize that the bus system in Hawaii is not exactly the type that operates on time. They have a schedule, but it's nothing more than a vague suggestion as to when you should show up at the bus stop. I have waited over an hour for a bus that is supposed to come every 35 minutes only to have one pull in just as I am walking out of range to catch it.

In other news, I now work at a cookie store. That's right, I play with dolphins and bake cookies. I also live in Hawaii. Suck it!

Hurray for life.

Edit: I also got a date tonight. When you're on a roll, you're on a roll...

I like a man who can handle his meat...

2008-09-05T00:21:00.000-07:00

Rupert was an expert. He’d been doing this for years and in that time, not once single person had surpassed him in his chosen field. His hands held the knife steady; his strokes where swift and straight. The flesh peeled away from the bone in wafer thin slices and fell into his hand. With deft movements, he cradled the cold meat in his palm and placed it gently in the bun. It was a good day to be a sandwich maker.

House, beach, and jelly fish

2008-08-27T19:16:00.000-07:00

Portuguese man o' wars SUCK! It's true. The little drifting bastards have all the intelligence of a fern and about the same amount of control over their own locomotion. Sadly, they have much better defenses than your average plant: they sting like a BITCH! If you've ever been stung by stinging nettle, it's similar in sensation, but about twice as intense. I was wading in the ocean the other day and one was washed against the back of my knee. After this less-than-enjoyable experience, I promptly exited the water via the nearest bit of sand, and with a bit of creative swearing, rubbed my leg with said sand. I also had one of them bounce down from my shoulder to my wrist to my foot, where it got stuck. Hurray. In other news, here is a picture of me and several of my roommates, at least the ones where were awake and mobile at the time I felt like taking a picture.

New house, new bed, same roommates

2008-08-26T00:02:00.000-07:00

Well, we moved into our permanent (read: 5 month) residence tonight. I have fish prep at 6am tomorrow, so I should go to sleep. My new bedroom is attached to 2 bathrooms and the kitchen (by a nifty little hatch. I can have breakfast shoved thru to me OR order an alcoholic beverage from the live-in bar tender [I wish]) I'll put up pictures or something some time. Until that day arrives, goodnight everyone, and stay classy.

Hawaii

2008-08-17T11:52:00.000-07:00

Well, I've made it. I've been here for just over a week now, and things are going pretty damn well. Email me if you want any specific details. Work is going pretty well, but my feet are too big and they don't have any boots to fit me, so I'm not allowed to do fish prep until they get some size 13's. There are a few new facebook pictures for those of you who are part of that. Right now we're camping on the floor of Uncle Joe's (don't ask, he's a local hero and a nice guy) and we get to move into our beach house the 25th. "Beach House" is a bit of a mis-gnomer (GNOME SORCERY!) because to be fair, the place is a good 100 yards from the beach. Let me tell you, that's a really long way. There are mountains and an ocean, my two favorite terrain types. I need to try to hike up to the top of the mountains in our back yard, but they are extremely steep. Anyway, more to come when we move into the house.

Los Angeles

2008-08-08T21:01:00.000-07:00

Well, I made it LA, and it is big. I'm visiting with Mr. Roo and Miss Sally, and I swam in the new ocean. New ocean is cold. Pictures for those of you who know these wonderful peoples. I leave for Hawaii tomorrow and get there about 6pm east coast time and noon my (new) time. Sleep deprivation makes for odd grammer.

Update

2008-07-19T18:05:00.000-07:00

Batman: The Dark Knight = Awesome. That is all.

Leaving Town

2008-07-15T17:39:00.001-07:00

Last post from Miami folks. Tonight is officially my last night in Florida. I've quit my job, packed my car, cleaned my room, and sold my furniture to my roommate. Tomorrow morning, I'm going to try to turn in my C-pass (it gets me thru the toll gates to get over the bridge to work) for my $40 deposit back, and start heading north. Googlemaps says that it's a 16 hour drive from here to Spencer, WV. Excitement shall ensue.

The Plan
July 16-17th: Drive from Miami-->West Virginia
July 18th: Ride/Drive with parents from West Virginia-->Pennsylvania
July 20-26th: Camp with family in Canada
July 26-Aug.7th-ish: Visit people in the greater northeast area; family, friends, and enemies.
Aug.7th: Fly to Seattle or Los Angeles, depending on several factors
Aug. 8th: Visit people at aforementioned location.
Aug. 9th: Fly to Hawaii, move into new place, start looking for a job.
Aug. 11th: Start my full time, unpaid job. (Don't worry, they give me free lunch)

That is a tentative itinerary for those of you who care.

Alliterative adjectives: An Ode to the Hamburger

2008-07-04T20:26:00.000-07:00

when caddy children contract cholera there comes a consensus to continue the course to carry the cuisine that captures the concentration of cattle. this meaty mass that's masticated manfully by many mouths manages to make most masculine of men mumble. bread begins the basic barrier that bars the burger from bursting. this circular singularity cinches the scrumptious center from sliding and slipping while wrapping this wondrous wealth with wheat. the ketchup is kept in the cupboard in the kitchen and mustard is made by many-a-maid. pickles are placed with precision and pride while lettuce is left to languish. tomato tops this tasty tower.

Two Weeks

2008-07-01T14:30:00.000-07:00

I just put in my two week resignation notice at work today. Why I'm quitting a job that I like that has a future and that pays me, I'm not sure, but I'm moving to Hawaii. Moving to work at a 5 month temporary job that may or may not hire me permanently when it's done. But hey, I get to work with sea lions.

p.s. Make any and all checks out to Justin Mertz. I'm going to need some money for this one.

Jobs

2008-06-25T18:22:00.000-07:00

So while I've been pondering my possible future of living in Hawaii for 6 months, some friends of mine (people who you can read about through those handy little links to the right) have been cooking some hairbrained scheme: "A Different Spin: East Coast". Although this is clearly not what it would be called (I hope), that at least conveys the idea. For those of you that don't know, A Different Spin is a circus troupe formed by several of my classmates from Vassar out in San Fransisco area. Juggling, fire manipulation, magic and the like. I got asked today if I would be interested in doing this with them, and the answer is, of course, an almost unmitigated "Yes, God, YES!" However...

Yes, "however" has reared it's ugly head. "However", I may be moving to Hawaii. But I love to juggle. And regardless of how little it would pay, I would be earning more than if I went to Hawaii. "However", can I possibly base a life-long career on juggling? Am I/are we potentially good enough to do that? Maybe not even a life-long one, just one that lasts a while. What would we do after that, "however"? Even if that wasn't possible, it would be fun for a while. Doing something I like with people that I like. Is there a downside?

Late nights

2008-06-18T12:53:00.000-07:00

Well, it turns out that I like the ocean. I was at work from midnight to 10am today and despite the fact that a moderately torrential downpour was occurring between 1 and 3am, it was fairly relaxing. Watching a baby manatee sleep has that effect. After the rain stopped but the wind was still going pretty well, I was walking around looking at Miami across the bay and it was actually fairly pretty, which is a strange thing to say about any city. Maybe the fact that I couldn't hear it because it was so far away helped, or that I had been awake for almost 20 hours and my eyesight was starting to blur, but it was neat. Oh, and the manatee is absurdly cute.

Propaganda

2008-05-26T15:30:00.000-07:00

Well, I found this, and it's 2 hours long, but I ended up watching the whole thing. These guys make Michael Moore look like a conservative Republican-hugging cheerleader, but there are some very interesting points. Watch it if you want. If you believe it all, it's more terrifying than any zombie movie I've ever seen.

http://www.zeitgeistmovie.com/main.htm

Homeless in Hawaii

2008-05-19T08:08:00.000-07:00

Of late, I've been seriously considering the possibility of living on the beach in Hawaii while working at an unpaid internship. I found these really cool hammocks that are actually tents which would protect me from above AND below, and they cost about $200. That's less than one month's rent. I could get a fishing rod, build a fire, and eat coconuts. A hunter/gatherer grocery list. There are mongooses....mongeese.....mongi...? that run wild on the island, perhaps they would be tasty to trap and eat. I would be able to camp across the street from the place I want to work, there are public beach showers, and a homeless license (wow....that looks really weird, by nothing else is recognized by my spell check) costs $1/year.
Tell me that tent doesn't look awesome, and you'd be a gol'durn liar.

Done with Miami

2008-05-11T14:08:00.001-07:00

I think I'm done with Miami. It is hot, it is humid, it is expensive, and it is crowded. My lease is up in June, so maybe I'll come back north to the land of Reasonable Temperatures, work for a few months, and then move to Hawaii. Seriously. There is an internship there working with marine mammals, which, I've decided, are much cooler than fish. Sorry, but they are. I know a guy who used to work at the place, I have experience in the field, what I don't have is money to support myself through the course of a 4 month unpaid internship, so I'm going to have to make some, and that isn't really possible here in Miami saying as how 80% of my pay each month goes toward rent, 15% goes toward food, and 5% just disappears somehow into that bottomless pit that is called "life". I could be a live-in nanny in Nantucket. Nantucket Nanny. Hmmm...

in other news: Happy Mother's Day all you moms out there, especially mine. Thanks for everything, like paying for my gas, helping me find a couch, making me dinner every time I come home (as rare as it is), and especially for supporting me regardless of how bizarre my choices in life become, and THAT'S a pretty big accomplishment.

Founder's Day

2008-05-05T19:38:00.000-07:00

The traditions we observe: a well-rehearsed dance
Wake up, get started, and put on your pants
Breakfast is done with companions so dear
And when all is prepared we raise up our beer

Drink up for the founder, drink deep and drink long
Drink up for Matt Vassar and join in my song.
The sun is rising; the day has begun
Drink up for the founder and join in the fun.

With no time to spare, for we’re already late
We make our way out to meet with our fate
What does this day hold for our veteran corps
We’ve met with it all and triumphed before

Drink up for the founder, drink deep and drink long
Drink up for Matt Vassar and join in my song
The sun is rising; the day has begun
Drink up for the founder; come play in the sun

The grass is so green and the beer truck is near
Founder’s Day comes but once every year
Class and work are both far away
Let them both go and enjoy this one day

Drink up for the founder, drink deep and drink long
Drink up for Matt Vassar and join in my song
The sun is setting, the day it is done
Drink up for the founder; the night has begun!

Traditions

2008-05-03T06:53:00.000-07:00

Traditions are a strange and unusual beast. Take this very moment for example. It is not yet 10 in the morning, and I have consumed several celebratory beverages in honor of Founder's Day. Matthew Vassar, the founder of my Alma Matter, was born near this time, and every year, the first weekend in May, we honor his dedication to the education of young feminists in the mid/late 1800's by drinking a lot. To be fair, the man was a beer brewer, and if women's education hadn't succeeded, he was going to turn the whole college into a beer brewery, so this seems reasonable. So there is established college tradition. But each group of people have their own individual Founder's Day traditions. Take my group of friends (please!) for example: every year for quite some time we have concocted shirts of varying shades of hideously bright in order to be able to find each other despite the thick crowds that gather to honor the founder, and this year is no different. This year, we have a Spartan with a toothbrush (the theme is Candyland...BRUSH YOUR TEEEEEEEEETH!!) and a ridiculously cute molasses creature named Plumpy from the Candyland game. There was also a Limit sketch comedy show last night, and traditions were observed while watching this insanity. It's just strange how certain habits begin, and how they perpetuate themselves through social memes and through the actions of our friends. A quote that I enjoy in this situation is: "Without tradition, we'd be forced to rely on logic and free thought, and who wants that?" (Bear in mind, this was said in a facetious tone of text) and it was said by one of the world's great thinkers...ME! So, happy Founder's Day all you Vassar students/grads (many of whom I've just slept on the floor with), enjoy this cold, cloudy, slightly damp day as much as you can, and raise a glass of beer and sign a song in honor of our good old founder, Matthew Vassar. Happy birthday Matt.

See you on the other side,
Justin

Kidney punched by a planet

2008-04-26T14:24:00.000-07:00

Well, Saturdays are usually one of my easy days to get to work. The rest of the world is sleeping in while I am up and about at my usual time. I get to work, and get on with my day. Today, however, things did not go as planned. About 3 miles from work, I ran into traffic. And it didn't stop. I took over an hour to go 2 of the last 3 miles, and then took about 5 minutes to go the last mile because I parked my car at the beach parking lot, and got out and ran to work so I could get there before lunch.

After an eventful morning of scrubbing, I was getting out of one pool and preparing to sit on the ledge and rest for a moment, however, gravity had different plans for me: I missed my target by about 2 inches and fell flat on my back with my weight belt still around my waist. One of the 4lb lead weights was smacked into my left kidney, essentially making the planet Earth kidney punch me. It was hilarious at the time, and my scrubbing partner and I almost killed ourselves laughing, and then I tried to sit up, and realized how painful the rest of my day was going to be because I could no longer bend over to pick things up. WHOOPIE! Oh, and I had to go fill 15 air tanks about an hour later.

World 1, Justin 0
Have to do better tomorrow.

Founder's Day

2008-04-18T20:36:00.001-07:00

It has been much on my mind that we don't have shirts for Founder's Day: 2008, and this would be a tragedy to rival the cancellation of The Adventures of Brisco County, Jr. We must rally the troops and get a shirt design together, PRONTO. My contribution at the moment is the scary children from this picture. Boys for the guys, girls for the ladies.
Please disregard the creepy picture of R. Kelly in the background, he is irrelevant and this is the only picture of the Candyland Kids I could find. Please input ideas so that this does not become the plan.

Update

2008-04-12T18:35:00.001-07:00

Plane tickets have been purchased from Miami to New York and back. I will be arriving in Laguardia at 12:30pm on May 1st. That is all. See some of you soon.

Poked and Prodded

2008-04-08T18:35:00.000-07:00

After recieving and seeing several comments about the amount of time it has been since I've said anything, I shall commence to do so....now:

My computer is currently down with logic board problems. It went to sleep and didn't wake up. I guess the combonation of sleeping pills and wine were just too much for it. It is being sent to Apple Corp, where hopefully they will replace it (the logic board) free of charge because of the lovely 1 year warrenty. I saw a delightfully tacky magic show this saturday with decidedly homosexual overtones (hey, it was on Miami Beach, what do you expect). Not only that, we got in for free because we were 40 minutes late, and they didn't take our tickets, so I may go back again next weekend just to catch the beginning of the show. Yesterday I biked to South Beach, read a book in the sand, and got turned a pretty shade that Mercutio would be jealous of. I guess I didn't realize how completely white I'd become over the winter (or what passes for it in Miami) and now I'm paying for my idiocy. In other news, preperations are being made to attend Founder's Day. I've found but not booked my flights yet, requested 5 days off (1 for flying up, 1 for visiting, 1 for Founder's Day, 1 for recovery from Founder's Day, and 1 for flying back here). Jeremy, if you want to drive from a New York airport, I'll help and pay for half the gas between Manhattan and Poughkeepsie. You'll have to arrange your own days off.

Until next time, remember everybody: WEAR SUNSCREEN!

Easter Egg Hunt: Miami Style

2008-03-22T14:44:00.000-07:00

So, it's Easter weekend. Happy J.C. rolls the rock day, everyone. (We can't ever leave the influence of our friends. Sometimes it can be pretty obvious.) This weekend is a big thing at work, and the field behind the sea lion stadium looks like Vassar on Founder's Day, but without the beer truck or the hookahs. There is a carnival, kids running every which-way, music, food, and good ol' fashioned fun. I even got to partake in an animal care Easter Egg hunt, which is decidedly the most nerve racking one of it's kind that I have ever been on. It's kinda like playing Aliens in the woods by Sunset Lake: you're trying to look in 20 different directions at once and make sure nothing comes close enough to touch you. We went into the crocodile paddock to remove some unfertilized eggs that one of the crocs had laid and to rake up the fallen palm fronds and leaves. To do this, two people had to go in with (quite literally) 10 foot poles with padded ends and poke the 400+ lb reptiles in the head/butt to get them to move out of the way of the people who were carrying the rakes/trashbags. I got a pole. I also got to witness how to deal with a charging crocodile and we found a crocodile tooth on the ground. It was pretty freakin' cool. I kept an eye on the crocodiles while the work was going on, and made sure that none got close enough to charge anyone. It was a good day, even with the rain.

Working out, Caffeine, St. Patrick's Day, and Maiming

2008-03-17T16:25:00.000-07:00

Each in their own time

Working out
So, the other day, I thought it would be a good day to bike to work, so I hopped on my bike at 8 of the clock, and rode there. After I arrived, I was informed that the person who was supposed to do half of the scrubbing had called in sick. Now, scrubbing involves man-handling a 40lb piece of stainless steel and fiberglass that rotates at about 60 RPM around the inside of an underwater pool and cleaning all the algae off every surface. So, I had to do about 4 hours of scrubbing by myself. In the middle of this 4 hours, I had to go get more air tanks, because SCUBA diving requires breathing, so filling 16 air tanks (each weighing in at about 35-40 lbs) was required of me. After all that, I had to bike the 8 or so miles home.

Caffeine:
After I got home from this day from hell, my roommates friends, who were visiting, decided they all wanted to go out for the evening, so I decided to go with them. We had some fun, we goofed off, and I got home at 1am. The next day at work, after all this, I was feeling the exhaustion from the previous day's exertion, so I decided to try some iced coffee. Now, I consider coffee to be the Devil's Drink, and will avoid it whenever possible. However, this time, it wasn't that bad. I think I'm on the path to damnation. I made it thru that day utilizing only caffeine and sheer determination. It was epic.

St. Patrick's Day:
This one's for the boys- Tim proposed a challenge of sorts on his blog, to which I must respond. Finding of St. Patty's Day related videos, and I found a good one that makes me think of all my friends, many of whom have their own blogs and might eventually find this.

Maiming:
So, at St. Patty's Day street party, a friend of mine showed up with her boyfriend, who comprises half of the list of "people in the world Justin would literally take a baseball bat to". Now, this may seem rather harsh, until you realize that this guy has beat the shit out of my friend about 4 times. He's tried to run her over with his car, he's tried to drag her down some concrete steps, she's come to me for protection, and she's had him arrested, but every single time, she's ended up with this #$%#$%$^&^*(*()%$#@@er again. After all this crap, she's gone back to him 3 times. Near the end of our celebrations, she showed up and hung out around us with this human being whom I have seriously considered introducing to a piece of lumber. It was a bad end to a good evening.

CFC>KFC

2008-03-14T16:16:00.001-07:00

Yes, it's true. The fried chicken has gone international. Now not only do hillbillies way back in the wood of the Appalachian Mountains fry their birds is fattening oil, but now the Cubans do too. Not only that, they do it BETTER! I went in to get my oil changed, they were overworked, and I was informed that it would take them about 2 hours, so I went for a walk in Little Havana. I found a nice little Cuban restaurant, ordered in Spanish, got my chicken, and then the mechanic who was supposed to be working on my car came in and had lunch at the table right next to mine. I smiled and waved, he waved back. Yatta, yatta...A plus side of me catching him not working on my car was that he didn't charge me for the brake inspection, which was nice.

Today, I was at work, and the keepers were weighing the birds, and the girl taking them off their perches couldn't reach one of the cockatoos, so I tried to help her. The bird was NOT interested in stepping off his perch. I tried to pick him up with my right hand, he grabbed my finger with his beak, and very carefully pushed it away. I tried to pick him up with my left hand, and he very gently grabbed it with his beak, pushed it away, and we repeated this for about 10 seconds. (bear in mind that he can bite thru wood, nuts, and without much effort, my finger, so he was being very careful) When I stopped and looked at him, he made a little chuckling sound and bent his head down to be scratched. We repeated this dance about 4 times, him chuckling his feathery little pink ass off each time I stopped. I'd scratch his head, and he'd ruffle his feathers and make little squeaky sounds, and then we'd try again. Finally, I managed to get him down, the keepers got him weighed, and then they put him back up in his perch. Freakin' birds.

Oh, and this

2008-03-08T17:07:00.001-08:00

Oh, and this was sent to me today by a friend. She thought the face looked like me, and it was close enough to make me laugh.